What are the best custody sharing scenarios when parents live in two separate states?

I have an eight-year-old daughter attending school in California. I now live in Oregon to be near my family as I have epilepsy. I need to have custody orders modified so I can have my daughter here with me. I do not work and her father works full-time in California, but is married to a woman from Mexico, while I remain single. My question is what are the top custody scenarios I can present to the mediator before the court hearing that will be fair to our child and both of us as parents? I feel that I can devote more time to her since I do not work, but that by no means is to say he doesn't deserve time with her. I think having her for the school year would be best while he could keep her for the summers and extended breaks, however I feel he will not agree to this (we cannot communicate amicably on our own). Another is altenating the school years between states, but I think that would be hard on our daughter having to go back/forth between schools and having to make new friends. Help! I really appreciate all of your responses. This whole situation is literally immobilizing for me. I haven't seen my little girl in six months as it is. I'm going at it alone this time around without an attorney, as we have been back and forth in court for the past four years since we split which has cost me over $20k. I talk to her on the phone, but she doesn't even seem herself, like she is warped. I know it is about what is best for her, and her father sees it as what is best for him. He would remove her from my life permanently 100% given the chance. If her best interest lies with him in California, how do I deal with the grief and guilt of not being able to be there as her mother? I built my whole life around her, we did everything together. I asked him to inform me of school pictures, and he just let it go and said she has a new mom now and my daughter told me she never got any pictures. He doesn't share anything about her or her life with me. What do I do without looking scorned?

Public Comments

1. I agree--the child should be with you during the school year, with him during the summer and extended breaks. Later on when she is 14 or 15, if she wants to live with him and go to school in California she should be able to choose.
2. Ask your ex if he can move to Oregon so you can easily share custody. It will become more difficult as the girl gets older. Eventually, she will choose one parent because she won't like her life divided. Do it now because she may choose to live with her Dad in a few years.
3. I am divorced and have one son 9 years old. My exhusband lives in Washington/Oregon with his wife and 4 other kids. I live in Montana still not married with just Tyler. I moved here to be close to my parents so they can help me out. I should modify my custody agreement which was set up when we both lived in Nevada. But we haven't and it is set to the typical everyother weekend which doesn't work now. During Summer breaks I have him two weeks and the rest of the break my ex has him. He gets him for Thanksgiving during even years and Christmas/New Years during odd years. I take him out of school so he has a longer time to spend with his dad. Spring break it just depends. Its open. None of this is written down since he and I agree verbally we don't have a problem. But I have him for the school year. Really it depends on how cooperative your ex is and your willingness to give.
4. Not really an answer, more liek an opinion. I think you will have to presenta relaly good case to the judge. You have no income, except maybe for disability. You can have a seizure at anytime, and you are probably limited in the things you can do and places you can go. The better solution is to have her for the the summer and extended breaks just so she can stay in a situation she is familiar in. I am sorry you cannot see your girl as much as you want, but the judge has to rule in the best interests of the child, not the best interest of the parents. So, using the fact that his new wife is from Mexico would not even matter. Best of luck to you
5. i agree with you, i think the best scenario is that she remain with you during the school year and have summer with her dad, and every other thanksgiving and Christmas with each of you. Moving back and forth would be hard for her and won't give her the stability she needs to be secure.
6. I'm not sure exactly what you should do, but i can tell you that shared parenting, is actually HARDER on a child than you would think, a child needs stability, and cannot get it from shared parenting, especially state to state...
7. Your daughter should stay in one school not two.I have a friend who lives further away from her ex-husband and he gets the child during march break,summer and christmas.I am a mother and feels that any child should always remain with the mother thats just how I feel.Sure the father has rights also but changing to a different school is too much stress on any child.Starting all over and having to make friends isnt always that easy.Sometimes relationships dont last but you always have to think of the child first and what his or her best interests are.Good luck!
8. First off, I would not give up all your holidays with your daughter. How do you think you'll feel about missing out on all these possible family events? Alternate holidays: Mother has Easter, 4th of July, & Thanksgiving & daughter's birthday - even years, memorial day/labor day, Christmas/New Years odd years. Father has Easter, 4th of July, & Thanksgiving & daughter's birthday - odd years, memorial day/labor day, Christmas/New Years - even years. Suggest joint custody, physical custody with mother. Have a plan for how you'd keep your ex involved - you'd e-mail him every Sunday to let him know what's going on with your daughter that week. You'd send him digital pictures from events (school events, girl scouts, parties, ... whatever) AND do it. The more comfortable you make him with this the better. It's likely right now that he doesn't believe that he'll be a part of your daughter's life and that upsets him (add that to the general mistrust from your failed marriage and it adds up to an ugly custody battle). Scenario #1: Live in Oregon with mother during the school year, Summers with father in California. (Not so great to not see your daughter for many months at a time.) Scenario #2: Live in Oregon with mother during the school year, 1-long-weekend a month with father, Summers with father, 1-long-weekend a month with mother (not sure how close you live as to how this could be worked out - CA and OR could be pretty far apart depending on where each of you are in the states - but this would at least allow for some kind of consistent access) Scenario #3: Switch off school years in each state (NOT likely - uprooting your daughter's life too frequently) * Does your daughter type? Could you include having her e-mail him at least so many times per week in addition to calling so he feels like he is still a part of her life? You should request that a child advocacy lawyer get involved to ensure that someone speaks for your daughter. Without trying to manipulate your daughter into forming the opinion you want her to have (to say that she should live with you), Do you have any sense of whether she wants to remain living with you? What does she think of this stepmother from Mexico - any relationship there what-so-ever? Does your husband have family in CA or would he be her only family there? I would say, as long as your family are fairly stable people, it will look good for her to be near family. Not many new ideas but some general thoughts thrown in. Hope some of it helps! Good luck!
9. Alternating schools (especially in different states) will be VERY HARD on her academically (different curriculums) and probably socially as well. It’s going to be difficult to convince a judge that will be in the child’s best interest (and her best interest is all the judge is concerned about). Whoever gets custody during the school year will be getting a lot more time with her, so it’s basically impossible to be ‘fair’. I understand that you have a condition and you want to be closer to your family, but you are asking the judge to disrupt your child’s life (by taking her away from her home, friends, school, FATHER--and summers and holidays do NOT make up for MONTHS between visits) because it would be easier/more convenient/better for you. Again, the judge is only concerned with your child’s best interest, not yours. If Dad fights this (and frankly, if I were him I would) be ready for a battle. You definitely need an attorney. And if you win custody, if Dad’s smart he will request that the judge order you to pay all travel expenses in regard to visitation (because you’re the one creating the distance). EDITED TO ADD THIS: Oh, and by the way--the judge will not penalize Dad for working and earning a living, so I doubt you will get too far with the ‘I have more time for her’ argument.