Could you please take 5 minutes to read my short story?? I wrote this on thursday?

it was my first attempt to write anything. i read alot and wanted to try it. I know there are typos and gramatical errors, but this is a rough draft before submission. wondering if it makes sense and if you like it? ONLY ME by Monte Lee "What have i done?" Thought Col Bridesmore. "What have I done?" He noticed how slowly, the body of of a man would spin in the vacuum of space. That body used to contain his freind Nicholas Merchant Lt Commander in the USN. Now its over , Paul thought, finally over. Lt Col paul Bridemore had been waiting for this moment all his life. The moment whre he became, not the little brother of a war vertran. Most decorated. purple heart and all. Not the son of one of the richest men in all of southern Alabama. Whose corn crops are still one of the richest in the south. No, this moment had been for Paul. The moment he got the email confirming his appointment as Commander of the first manned mission to Mars. This was Lt Col. Paul Bridesmore 's moment. But Paul, being the southern gentleman he was ,could always share the moment with a beautiful young lady. at this moment that lady happend to be be his wife Nena. Nena with the long black hair. Nena with the beautiful smile. Nena who at the tender age of 20, had said, I do. And even, Paul thought with a laugh , the Nena who had insisted on making the reservations for tonights dinner at Parloza's. "I'll seem like a simple housewife if I dont!" She would pout. He remembered her saying more than once. But, he could see her point. He was gone alot these days, and now with" The Long Haul" as it was being called around shop, he could really see her jumping to help in however she can. In the end i know she loves only me. Yes, Paul, and that Nena, were going out tonight to celibrate the news ,and the launch of the first mars mission. By 6:45 they were about ready to go. But,.last minutes phone calls from freinds and well wishers, kept both Nena and Paul tied up just that little bit. Paul studied himself in the mirror. "Hmm,still got the baby fat" he thought. Although Colonel Bridesmore was aproaching his middle forties,he could have easily pased for his middle 30's. With a lean jaw and blue eyes that seemed to shimmer back at him through the mirror. His years of Navy training and excercise kept him lean. He could owe that to Uncle Sam. He could owe his full head of brown , trim cut hair, to his father. Owen Bridesmore. And his father before him. the Bridemores maintained envialbe hair lines. He was not egoststical. He mused. Just very lucky. Tonight was his nite . the toast of the town. he and Lt com Nickolaus" Nicky" merchant were going to be the first men to the planet mars and this was part of their send off. it was going to be a nite to remember....... As it turns out, it was a nite Paul didint remeber very well at all. He had drank too much wine. He had attempted to taste the wine only. He was just returning a small taster with a bit of chardonney in it to the table when his wingman, Nicky, leaned over and said in a conspirital whisper "Live it up buddy, last nite before we go bye bye." Paul could see the gleam in NIckys eyes from the light and the wine but only nodded. He didnt get it then. They had gone to the Parloza restraunt in the upside of New York where they were heralded as kings. He and Nicky had lived it up that nite. friends since graduating college and comming up the ranks in the academy. Nicky had been his wingman in the war. he and his wingman had saved each other from enemy fire so many times, they owed each other their lives time and time again. Paul could think of no one he trusted more. And no one broken trust would hurt more from, than Lt Commander Nicky Merchant. Unlike Nena, Amy was born of a more humble stock. And although a beautiful ,thoughtful woman ,lacked the grace of his Nena. latley of such though he had seen Nicky regariding his wife Nena in what paul considered ,a less than causl way. Nicky was handsome in his way.with broad shoulders and a quick grin to go with it. "do i feel threatened?" Paul often thought . but then he would come to his senses. Nena loved him and only him. He gave her everything she could possible want a nice house. a new car and all the social prestige of being an astronauts wife could bring. no Nena loves me. and only me.he thought that nite. only me. Amy Merchant was aproxamatly thirty five years old. She had four children whom she loved with all her heart. Three girls and one boy. She also was a very unhappy woman. She loved her husband Nicky with all her heart. She also knew her husband very well. knew his habits. knew his weakneses. She also knew that ,her husband Nicky, Father of four. Married for 22 years. best freind and co-pilot to Col. Paul Bridesmore. First men to Mars, Lt. Commander in the USN was sleeping with Mrs Nena Bridesmore.... The chef had served Pauls faovrite. Lasagna with meatballs. "cant have that in space," thought Paul with a chuckle. The restaurant was one of the most popular that nite, and Everyone was there. When Paul walked in with Nena by his side, Nicky and Amy just behind them all dressed in tuxedos and gowns for the ladies. The energy in the small restaruant seemed to get more festive. The colors were brighter ,the music was a bit louder and the general feeling from the thirtysomething, crowd was high hopes and expectations for thier new hero's. After all of the formal introductions, Nicky and Paul were seated with their wifes as the honored guests. "After all" quiped Helen March from CNN " What what you eat if you were going to space for an eighteen months?" " A Cup of noodles?" That offhanded remark ,got Helen March on the map. She has her own show on CNN now. "It was the wine" thought Paul. It was the wine that made Amy talk. As Bridesmore could recall, the Lasagna was excellent. Served piping hot with the steam rising ofF the mound of golden crusted cheese like slowly twisting clouds, rising, then being broken like paper shreds to the decorative fans ,turning lazily from above. The cheese was making chessy blurps as they served us. The smell was so spicy and wonderful! The noodles were soft and pliable and the sauce was amazing! The chef used garlic with a italian spice that was intense! it was the best! I wish you could have been their with us. I knew she would pick the right place. Because she loves me. Only me. Although Paul was not a big fan of wine( he prefered a good stout beer) he did consume his share. as did nicky,Amy and Nina. "It was the wine" Thought Paul. It was the wine that made Amy talk. Col. Bridesmore, staring out the window of his shuttle. Staring at the slowly twisting body of his freind Nicky. The comm system light activated to interupt his thoughts. Flashing its urgent yellow light on the board. The mellow beep of its signal snatched Paul out his memories of last nite. Paul hit the recieve button. a burst of static then "Col Bridemore?, Central Comm, do you read vector six point five ,five nine? "over" ? Paul glanced to his immedite left where vector and navigtion controls were located. with a qucik fick of his eyes at the seat where his partner normaly sat. would have sat, if Paul had'nt have killed him. wrenching his eyes from the empty seat ,Paul studied the navigtion controls briefly. Of course, all pilots are trained in every aspect of thier craft. Although Paul had not the navigational talents of his copilot Nicky, he could asess and navigate better than most. thats part of the reason he was chosen for this mission. "Central command?" He said in a clear vocie. He was still a Colonel after all. And he still had a job to do. " Colonel Bridesmore here." ,( redundant,he thought grimly) " reading six point five, five seven with a point two varience," "Correcting now" he said, as he adjusted one of the hundeeds of knobs and switches that made space flight possibe. He felt a slight shift in trajectory. more from his looking out the window where the body of his copilot, arched slighty to the right, and then to the top of his viewscreen. The body looked more like that of a rag doll in a bulky space suit than a man. the suit hed been weaing when he left the airlock. the suit he thought would save his life. the same lifeless suit that was turning, almost in slow motion outside his windowscreen. Soon , He thought, " I wont have to see him anymore" "CC to Bridesmore?" "Correction confirmed. Continue to heading six point five ,five niner!? Splash down at 1530 hours confirmed" the calm, professional voice on the radio crackled. He could hear it was the voice of his once Captain Pitman, now Adimiral Pitman "And Paul?" Pitman gruffed into the mike. "Im sorry". Bridemore could almost see the tight lipped, silver haired general, gritting his cigar. He knew he meant it, but what did it mean now? He was going home. "Thanks Cap'n" Paul managed. "I am, too" . "See you in Houston" Lt.Colonel Paul Bridesmore cut the channel ,and leaned back to see the Earth grow larger in the window screen to the left and body of Nena's lover, spin slowly off to the right. The End i forgot to add this is supposed to be like a Alfred Hitchcock short. its more like his murder mysteries

Public Comments

1. Interesting plot; your characters are worth working on. However, steer clear of 'passive voice' and 'telling'. Keep writing. Cheers
2. Wow pretty good Although its confusing at times, and you don't make it that clear that you keep jumping around in time.
3. this needs some editing to make it more coherent but it's a good idea altogether. keep working on it!